Frequently Asked Questions
What does the J in Marty J stand for?
It doesn't stand for anything. Kind of like Homer J. Simpson in the classic seasons before they made up that it stood for something because they ran out of ideas.
Is the Jade Monkey/The Suicide Tourists/The Grieving Tree playing any shows anytime soon?
No. The Jade Monkey hasn't been a live band since 2004 and broke up in 2015. The Suicide Tourists playing live would be cool, but we are all old and grown up and have kids. Not sure I could get people on board. I'd like to play some Grieving Tree shows but lack the confidence and motivation, but you never know.
Where can I get a copy of your albums?
Contact me, I will give you anything free of charge.
Why is your site called Marvelous Orchards?
Because it is, Stupid! Why don't you ride a bike to work? There's an oil crisis, butthole! How do you like all the questions?
Why don't you sell your stuff on itunes/try to promote your band on.../try to get a deal, etc.?
Because the music industry is dead and I'd rather focus on making music I like rather than getting somewhere in an industry where multiplatinum established artists can't sell their own new albums.
Aren't you just a bitter failure?
No comment. Also, your mom still owes me money for last night.
You must like Led Zeppelin/Jimi Hendrix/Van Halen/The Beatles, right?
No. I think Led Zeppelin and Van Halen suck. I don't really like Hendrix except for a few songs. Beatles are good, but not my thing. Deal with it.
Why has the Jade Monkey had so many bassists?
The Jade Monkey has never kept a bassist for more than a year. It is possibly because I'm a controlling egomaniac. It also might be due to a Gypsy curse I may have picked up as a child in Eastern Europe. I prefer the latter.
Are the members of Fashionably Great gay?
Not as far as they know. The Glam guys...heck yes. The Rap Faction is not, but this band is about unity and different worlds uniting to make the best music known to man.
What's your obsession with monkeys?
Have you seen a monkey? They're funny and awesome. Nobody would pay money to go watch you eat your poop and lay around in the grass.
Did you know that when you say monkey, more often than not you are actually referring to apes, like chimpanzees, orangutans and gorillas, which are not monkeys?
Of course I know that but monkey is a much funnier word than ape. It's a shame that monkeys are hogging that word because apes are much cooler than monkeys.
What's your obsession with cleavage?
If you need to ask that you are either a woman or gay, but not a gay woman, because then you'd understand.
Can I get my stupid question up here and get it answered?
Yes, if it's interesting or funny enough.
Not So Frequently Asked Questions
I'm from a major label, can we sign your band and make you super successful and famous?
Your music is fantastic, I'd like to pay you a lot of money to use your music in my commercial/TV show/movie, is that OK?
I'm from Ibanez guitars, can we design a signature guitar with you and then provide you guitars for free?
I'm a hot big breasted woman, would you like my phone number?
The answer to all these questions is yes. Except the last one. The answer to that is, fuck you, where were you when I wasn't married?